art credit!

I have never felt such a strong moment of self recognition than I have 2 nights ago when I watched Saw 2.

I watched the first movie about a year back, when I was really getting into horror, alas I thought it was kinda meh. I mean, I liked it, it just wasn't for me. But, within the past few weeks, I'd been getting the vibes from Amanda. So, I decided "fuck it" and watched it.

Everything clicked for me within the halfway mark.

It was the needle pit scene that made everything click. I won't go into details here due to it potentially being triggering, but it felt like everything was leading up to this very moment. My love of the color red, my fondness for torture methods, my fear of needles... well, some of those things were due to my fictivehood, but I digress (specifically the love of color red part).

I felt like I was looking into a mirror. I was looking at myself.

I will admit, seeing me with long hair feels... alien. That's still me, but not the me from my life. I won't go into details here, though, that's reserved for when I start working on my second life retelling.

This life might've been my most recent life, I think. Well, in the grand scheme of things, my life as Postal Dude is but that's just due to fictivehood. But in a fictionkin context, Amanda was my most recent life. I have more traits from that life than any other life I've had.

Today, my hair was really messy, and it looked kind of like how my hair looked in my timeline. I've always thought messy hair suited me more than neat hair. I had messy hair back then, too. I'm kind to some and mean to others. I'm blunt and I'm not afraid to call someone a bitch to their face. I've a strong fascination with death. I have a shit sense of self (can you even call it a sense of self anymore?). I'm basically a carbon copy of myself from that life.

I've yet to get more vivid memories, but I still feel so, so connected to her. She's me and I'm her.